salaam wrbt.. hammy,
im now out of house.. decided to try to rejunevate my feeling out of the prison-like-room
i thought things will change.. but i guess.. thought will remain thoughts..
dream will remain dream..
i only sleep about 15 minutes last night, b4 subuh prayer..
and i thought of sleeping back after tilawah after dawn.. but i dont know.. it does not seem to work..
yeah, ok, i decide to go tu uni to print out the ' jadual masak exam week' huh..
get a life ysn!
then i went back to paste it on the fridge and back to uni again after did dhuha..
huhu, to and back again.. what am i doin!!!!! :(
and now my eyes are in pain, but im not sleepy..
i tried to study.. but ia hanya ibarat mencurahkan air ke daun keladi..
x membawa sebarang input berkesan pun..
why am i soooooooooo depressed..
i thought at 1st it was because of me thinking bout the problems of others close to me..
one after another, they keep on stacking.. and im not a person who know who to react and advice others.. which i guess, in the end, cause me to be stressful for not able to help them..
and yeah, the other day, i accidently opened up a secret that i promised not to tell others..
hoho.. yes, no doubt for sure.. HELL FIRE is waiting to burn me up in this life of here after..
if a day there equals to a year here.. i guess.. until im 100xthe age of nabi nuh pun masih kena bakar dalam neraka jahanam.. :'(
O Allah, i keep on asking You to forgive me, yet each seconds i keep on increasing my sins threefold..
so, that is why i decide, instead of me being burnt in Hell later without a clear reason to me..
might as well i know why im being punished..
with this i bruised my hands, legs, neck..
since i dont have any paint and brush here in melb, i can use my blood and bodies to do art work.. huh..
real cheap.. no need to buy it from any shop.. :)
i thought, ok, im goin to change..
yet as noon came..
my life struck again..
i dont know why it all occur instananeously..
i attempted to kill my self..
i stranggled my self.. yet, i think i fall unconscious instead.. (dont know how long)
for when i wake.. its almost maghrib.. and ok at that instance i thought.. havent done asar prayer yet.. (how stupid am i.. klu dh nk bunuh diri, solat cmne pun xder nyer nk dimaafkan.. but hey, i love Allah.. its me who i hate)..
after solat, mathurat jap..
then decide.. ok nk study balik..
and my glance fall on the saw at my side laying there, inviting me to pick it up..
without thinking much i took it..
and i tried cutting my leg with it.. but instead, the things that came out are the saw balde rust..
and some marks on it..
seeing that my leg is too tough for it to cut through (:p),
i tried to cut my hand.. where the vien lie..
but i did not have the strength to glide it fast and pushing it deep enough..
for i keep on wondering..
how am i suppose to answer to my Love later..
its not my hand, or leg, or body fault to be tourment in the hell fire later..
its my soul, my mind, my heart..
hm, im not too sure weather i can ask Allah to repay all my actions to my soul, and not my body..
BODOHNYE mu ni ysn...
after that, one swallowed different kind of pills..
and did she not count how much paracetamol have been taken.. ? :
klu dulu, nk amik panadol pun x mo klu nk amik injection..
skang makan exessive plak.. pebenda ntah..
when one saw nothing happen..
one then thought, "ok, i need to do other thing fast.."
tried burning its hands and leg and body..
hoho.. only one knows.. it was really2 painful.. smpikan yg sakit itu kepala dan mata..
dan hati(kut,x tau location dlm ni ader organ aper)
klu ini pun dh sakit..
cmne la sakit kat neraka nnt..
that is when one stopped..
"thank You Allah for reminding me the tournment in the life of hereafter is tooo painfull..
90% of d day, one keep myself in that cell..
did not go out for jmh pryr.. did not answer when someone (whoever is it) knock on the door..
only dat night,when one need to drink, down it went..
O Allah.. one have no one to talk to.. for one dont really know how to talk about this..
she dont even know why am she's acting this way.. sedangkan dalam setiap gerak langkah yang dibuat, one begin with Your name.. and one ask to be protect from the syaitans..
forgive one here, Allah.. forgive one Lord..
accept one love once again.. although one have been distraught..
people may thought, one here cud be too distressed about this dwh work..
but to be honest..its totally d oppose..
doin it distract one from being depress..
gi melawat saudara2 lgn.. memekarkan kembali bunga yang layu..
for they are happy group of friends..
though they always bullied one here, but one love them for one love You..
one want them to know You as one do..even better
if they are among those who will work to leveled you Deen,
they will be the ones who motivate others when others feels down..
O Allah.. give them Your guidance.. and open up their hearts to accept Your call..
do love them all..as one really love them all..
love one parents.. more than others love theirs..
protect one sisters and brothers who are fighting in Your cause..
and one need to meet U Allah.. for U've call me to meet You in asar prayer.. till then.. insyaAllah..
lets go hammy.. Allah is waiting.. =)