18 October 2008

okay.. today, 18th october 2008.. i was actually involved what could be called as accident

it was around 3.30 am (or so)..

riding slwn's bike back home..
but dont know how, or why.. my maneuvering slip and hit sumthing (which i donnt what it is calle,
and to prevent the bike from skidding straight to the main road, i had to turn it and hit the road sign pole..
and the hit was hard because my helmet that i was securely wearing flew straight from my head to the center of the road lane..
which i would say from physics or mechanics perspective, there's a quite huge inertia involved..

i was grateful for it was not me who flew to the middle of the road though it almost feels like it..
i had to use my leg(?) forcing down myself and the bike from joining the helmet which had caused my leg to be slightly injured..
what a shock i got.. and during the time of incident there's no other vehicles or people around (i think) except a garbage truck far front at the other side of the road..

I had to take the helmet back and retreat to the side of the road.. for the pain was actually unbearable at that time plus the shock
caused me not to cycle straight back home.. and when i was staying at the side, cars from the perpendicular road passageway had come..
i guess they were confused for why i did not go as the light on my side was green..

after a few minutes, i decided im ready to cycle back home..and i guess, He made it happen during my way back for a good reason..
as i did not need to cycle energitically as the slope back home is downwards.. thus gravity is pulling, initiating my bike to keep moving foward..
reaching back home.. i look at my leg..
there a straight continues circles of bruise on my right leg.. and it ended with some bruises and cuts (presence of slight blood) at the bottom of it..

what a clumsy person i had been
wanted to clean it, but i know it'll cause stinge and pain at the wound area..
after conflicting with myself (u r crazy ysn), i decided, well i might as well take a bath instead.. and that what i did..
it was painful taking a bath and an experience i hope will teach me to be more alert and careful in d time to come..

oh.. btw.. i dont think the medicine im taking to treat the ms is working..
it keep causing further develop symptom to come straight after on another..
i dont know why does it occure that way..
i guess my body is always acting opposing to what should be happening ( i guess its the reason im getting ms here)
to go to sleep, i need to take caffiene
to be focused, i need to do a simultaneous task at the same time-eg. drawing while listening to lectures
to not get fever.. go out and play in the rainfall

sort of like an 'alien' in the sense

though i already felt like it..
in my course, i feel alone.. no close friends to discuss what is being learned, to do assignments..
..toshare things happening in life..thick and thin of it.. im always being laughed by my 'collegues'..
outside, i feel like a burden to those whom i know-the one with the same faith im in..
to say im doing what Allah is odering.. i dont think i've done it all

if i ask Allah for death.. have i done enough deeds for me to enter His Paradise without needing to enter the hell-fire even for a moment?
if i ask Allah for life.. to what extend can i stand people mockery on me..
Please forgive me Allah.. for not being grateful for everything You bestowed on me..
forgive me...

12 October 2008

dear ysn.. yup.. YOU..
talking to ur own self..
i think ur going wayyy crazy
me think myself toooo...waaaahh

23 September 2008

i dunt know whats wrong wif me..
to say its becoz of the influence of the syaitans'.. but they r not even here now in this holly month of ramadhan
it looks like all those things i did comes from deep within myself..

O Allah, i beg for Your forgiveness in every steps i take, every act i play..
one keep asking from U to take one back to You, but now only one realise the reason Ur decreed does not allow it for happen back then..
one deeds are too weak.. one sins weigh down the balance from within

Ur servant here are too ashamed to meet U, though in this heart, it longs to do so..
and here, in this temporary world, one could not even meet a person, especially those who one knew well, without the feeling of one shame, and one know one is not needed here at all..
the daieilallah work will continue despite one being here or not..
each minutes, one is afraid that one has not even done anythinge for dis deen..
please help one here to keep straight on this path, please O Lord.. Please help Ur servant here Allah.. please do.

okay, today i'll now officially admit, im psycho..

when there's no ins' around.. i'll talk to myself, loud.. like im havin a converstion with a real person..
there's as if 2 or 3 person here.. hoho
ysn! u're seriously goin crazy..

29 July 2008

Ya Allah..
Ku pohon redhaMu dalam aku menuntut ilmu..
Bantulah aku dalamnya, kerana sia-sia masa yang akan ku guna dalamnya, andai tidak Engkau redhakan nya..

24 July 2008

i come back to melb from my 2 week 'holiday' in msia with one aim, one goal.. to go all out in this path.. His path.. da'wah ..

but.. im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
i have no idea how to express it.. mainly im sad..

i know im diagnosed with a disease.. but why am i being neglected in doing all the work..
if i knew this would happen.. i would not have bother bout telling it even to a soul here..
it seems as if im being a nuisance to them..doing this work..

i know it may be cause by my own perceptions towards them.. i know i should never think badly of someone..

but the thing is.. in every situation im in.. the return result will be the same..

im not been given even a simple task to perform here.. yes, i know, it should be your own will to do.. need a high zatiyyah like the bird (hud-hud).. i've been trying to reassure my heart with it for bout 5 days now.. but as day passes by.. it seems even more obvious.. im not being needed here.

im being thrown completely out of the task.. why dont they just tell me to get of.. stop being a nuisance to them..

even today.. when someone ask for volunteers to do work.. though i offered my self.. that person still choose to ignore me.. am i now invisible to those here.......

and for the today event, i was'nt given a job to do, as usual. i offered to join my couple of friends to do their task.. but again, my presence there is just like a doll.. they just discuss together.. when i voice out my suggestion, it is being neglected..

O Allah.. please help me to able to cope with all of the discouragement of my life here..
Help me to stand straight on in undergoing Your test.. help me please Allah.. I would not want to throw away my chance to be among your righteous servants..

there's a lot more.. but its just too painful to express it out.. even now.. its hard..

A moment ago(1~2 hours) i learnt that..
a da'ie should not stand alone.. but i have to question again.. i did not chose to stand alone..but they chose to ignore me, neglect me..

hey, i did not chose to have this illness/infection.. its His decision that its the best for me.. but that doesnt mean i cant go and move foward for His deen.. if the prophet Ayyub (a.s) was test with sickness..but did he turn back from His deen? NO!!!..

ini bermaksud, biarpun apa keadaan seorang itu, sakit ke sihat, dia mampu nk sampaikan islam pada orang, perjuangkan panji islam..

adakah kerana pemilihan kumpulan tarrbiyah ini khusus utk orang yang sihat jer..
one thing i should find out.
klu dlm munthalaq kata da'wah adalah utk orang yang sudah tahu prinsip islam dan mengamalkannya, sayangkan dan bangga agamanya..etc..
tapi kenapa diri ini disingkir ke tepi..
i know im soooooooooo stupid now.. sudah hilang kebolehan nk wat any cognitive ability.. tapi does that mean hilang juga kelayakan dalam memegang tanggungjawab daie..

mmg bley lakukan DF kt sesiape.. and that is what im trying to do.. tapi dahla diri ni x reti sgt amal da'wah ni.. dan skang ni dibiarkn pula keseorang melakukannya..

im so depressed..

dah la baru bukak file2 pasal MS... and bace psal how to cope with stress n depression.. tp rase macam smua x dpt nk diapply..

i came back acting happy.. as if its nothing to be worried about.. and even in U.. i told.. im accepting that whatever happens to me happens for a reason and its the best for me.. im trying to comply to what i said.. but this is soo hard with those around me acting..
HEY!! im not yet disable.. as my soul lives, my heart beats.. i want to put fully in islam..

Bantulah hambaMu ini, Ya Allah..bantulah..padaMu shj aku berserah..
adakah ini tanda2 aku sudah tidak ikhlas dalam beramal kepadaMu Allah..
ampunkanlah hambaMu ini..

12 July 2008

i was diagnosed to have multiple sclerosis..
i thought.. ok.. nw. it can be treated... but why are my parents keeping sumthing from me..
and today, due to a friend of mine who was really determine in helping me.. search what was MS actually is..
and.. the only thing that i can portray is..
Lahawlawallakutilaillabih.. Allah has decreed it to be.. so be it..
Ya Allah.. bantulah diriku untuk redha pada ketentuanMu..
Bantulah diriku untuk kekal thabat di jalan da'wah ini.. amal untukMu.. padaMu..
Janganlah ujian yang Engkau turunkan padaku memalingkan pendirian aku untuk menuju mencapai redhaMu..
Hanya padaMu saja kupohon Ya Allah..

14 June 2008

l0ng time since i've written here
but now i really need to express out my heart confession
if to end our own life is not a sin.. i think,, i would have killed myself..
if there is not judgment in the world after.. i would have jumped from the top of the building

Allah.. im in need of your love.. i often wonder.. do i have Your love.. becoz.. this morning i heard a hadith in the morning tazkirah..
if Allah love someone, He'll tell the angels to love that person too.. and the angels will ask all on the earth to love that person..
And to look back.. i dont even think im loveable by the creatures on the earth..
the animals run away from me..
humans...... so hard to say bout them.. i dont want any gifts if others may have obtain a whole lot of it..
i only want, in need of support.. but then...............................
Allah.. please accept me as Your humble servant.. Do forgive me for the sins i've made.. for the uncertainty u developed in me..
i do in need of You
Only You i have..
thank u Allah..
All Praise is for You Allah..
Forgive me for doubting U..
please forgive me..

01 March 2008

its been a while since I’ve written here.. again and again…excuses..
Back in msia 2007, was the toughest live I’ve ever undergo.. I guess, its true.. once we’ve entered this way, this path.. the more committed we tend to be, the level that we’ll be tested will be increase..

I went back in December.. I hope to be able to da’wah to my family.. at the beginning, it was not bad.. I was able to distract my brother from tv my enjoying the movie, titled ‘The messenger’..

As I should have known, my sis was not all satisfied with my act..
She known before im back in msia, I wont be going to the cinemas anymore..
and she had to complaint to my mum.. with the additional info that im joining some kind of religious, extreme group im melb…
I guess, my mum wanted to know whether this rumor is true or just a rumor.. so, she asked me to join the family to see a movie at the cinema.. and when I declined the offer.. she starts to enquire by questioning me… its like having committed a crime.. and being in a custody of the police..
She even said, “you should never go against your mother..islam doesn’t teach you that way..”
how am I suppose to say, islam says to obey your mother request as long as it is abide by the Islamic law without actually having a ‘argument’ here..
So, what happen is that, I was brain washed by both of my parents for a month.. I just have to endure it.. and was hopping that I’ll be back in melb as soon as possible..

Then.. another strike came.. my mum wan not happy with my personality, I guess..
She wanted me to meet a doctor.. (dunt know what’s she’s specialized in) who’s look and analyze brain.. (I think)..
after meeting the doctor, my mum had a personal talk with her..
I guess, she must have told her, im joining usrah in melb, and behavior changed drastically at home.. so, the doctor decided to have my brain scanned.. and when they found multiple leisure there, they decided to have my checked through out..
(I felt like an organism for lab testing).. (this continues on and on)…
To conclude the story back in msia then, I realized, my emaan has drop significantly..
I was then actually afraid to go back to melb.. afraid that I have strayed far away from the true path..
Yet, back in melb, I was surprised… I was treated nicely like before.. Allah is All Gracious.. He gave me another chance..

When the QC was reshuffled, I was surprised to be in a group of those I’m inferior with.. both the leader and my sisters.. I don’t know how they divided us, but what I do know, my own self doesn’t even have the right to be among them.. Allah is opening me a way to retrace my steps back from where I’ve strayed…

O Allah.. I’m truly repent on all my doings that have been against Your Order.. I’ll try to be an honored servants among your righteous servants. And I know, at times I’ll forget my promise.. do help me My Lord.. remind me what I’ve promised and forget it on..