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this morning i woke with  throat pain..

the more i drank water, the more painful it is..

and today decided not to join my colleagues to eat lunch, for personal reasons..

anyway, today it pour heavily on my way back from work like y'day..
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i'm not sure wheather the pain in the throat is caused by the rain or it was infected from colleagues at my work place..

anyhow, i beg  You, My Lord.. may this sickness give ma insight on how to finish up my last assignment.. as i'm really blur on how to do it, until this very day..

its been a long time since i sneak in here..

well.. there's nothing much for me to say.. except.. of  course my headache is starting to burn back on again.. and this time, it occur more frequently than usual.. in the morning, afternoon, evening and at night.. so if we have 24 hours a day, and let say my night sleep is about 6-7 hours / day, leaving me with 17 hours of 'consciousness' or awake.. and from this wake period, half of the time, i will gain or more precise attack me with headache..

sometimes, or often, when it occur, i presumeably and always hope my sins will be wiped out because of the anguish pain..
now, to think about it.. i suddenly realise.. the similar headache occurred to me when i was in secondary school.. especially when performing the obligatary prayer, congregation maghrib & isya' one..

i did not think it is a symptoms which lead me to this everlasting disease..

and when i gain a dengue in 2005, it has become the cause for my immune system to react a year later..

well.. He who plan it well, have better plan for me in the future.. insyaAllah..

so, lets wait.. in dignity..

being back home for a year and a half, is quite frustrating..
everything my parents talk about is my brother and sister..
and believe me, the way they talk about them as if, my siblings are the
children that they only proud of..

i feel really depressed..

they are saying of encouraging them to continue to stay abroad, and work abroad..

but, why did'nt they encourage me to do so, while i was studying there..

they ask my sis to stay there, work there, and continue her specialization there in her profession..

but why didn't they do the same for me back then..?

my mum keep on visiting either my sis or bro each year, but did she ever try to visit me back then alone, without my dad to come along..?

i feel like discriminated by my own parents..

if i do something not of the ordinary, they will easily get mad with me..

but, when my bro or sis do so, they never question it..

i now do agree why 2nd child of the family is always lack of love..

and i think, i'm an unwanted child.. perhaps, if they have gotten a 2nd child as boy, they will certainly never try to get other child later..

i also know, why my mum now is willing to ask me to go our with her.. as my siblings are not here to accompany her..

when at 1 time, there were my mum, sis and me in a car to go somewhere, do you know, both of them keep talking together as if i don't even exist in the car..

i am an unwanted daughter who are costing them more to support me because of my tOO expensive medicine..

hey, do know.. i did not ask for this disease.. and in a way, their action each day are saying to me, that i'm burdening them..

yeah, i have taken a another course in applied science.. and believe it or not, i made that decision, because my mum keep talking about my sis who says she was interested in taking it..

now knowing, my sis is never gonna take it, as she will be continuing her work abroad and specialize there, im now regretting for taking it..

see.. how my parents treat their children differently.. and how i hate myself for it..
for having to pretend that im okay with it..

p/s: another reason for them to dislike me, perhaps because im trying to choose the real way of my religion.. i know.. it shouldn't have matter to me whether they love me or not.. as long as i have the One true Love.. from my God..

now its left to the last 7 days of ramadhan..

i need to enhance my deed in this month b4 its end..


chaiyook!

o my Lord..

give me strength to face this blessing month..

guide each of my steps to you, be it in my worship or in my work..

let the challenges you bestow me to face, be the healer to the wounds of my sins..

for the sake of Thy's name, this humble servant of Thy proceed..

Today it come to my realization, when a good friend told me that, when we choose to join this path, its a blessing from Allah to purify oneself...

Perhaps the person that lost was planned by Him to part them from us, because if we stay close to them, it might bring us back to disobey Him wtih more sins..

friends are like mirror.. when the friend is good, it shows that we are good..

this path has lead me to loose friends..

when i'm not a person who can socialize easily with people,
being on this path, had lead me to be a lonesome person..

and i thought, this walk should tighten the rope that had tied our hands.. yet, now i realize.. i was never a chosen one..

perhaps, they have even regretted it for inviting me to join them, back then..

but they do not loose anything.. as they are still favorable among them.. and yet, it had leave me alone.. behind..

well.. i think this has cause me to be in depression in a way or another..

i hope, it wont make me loose my mind because of it..