i come back to melb from my 2 week 'holiday' in msia with one aim, one goal.. to go all out in this path.. His path.. da'wah ..
but.. im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
i have no idea how to express it.. mainly im sad..
i know im diagnosed with a disease.. but why am i being neglected in doing all the work..
if i knew this would happen.. i would not have bother bout telling it even to a soul here..
it seems as if im being a nuisance to them..doing this work..
i know it may be cause by my own perceptions towards them.. i know i should never think badly of someone..
but the thing is.. in every situation im in.. the return result will be the same..
im not been given even a simple task to perform here.. yes, i know, it should be your own will to do.. need a high zatiyyah like the bird (hud-hud).. i've been trying to reassure my heart with it for bout 5 days now.. but as day passes by.. it seems even more obvious.. im not being needed here.
im being thrown completely out of the task.. why dont they just tell me to get of.. stop being a nuisance to them..
even today.. when someone ask for volunteers to do work.. though i offered my self.. that person still choose to ignore me.. am i now invisible to those here.......
and for the today event, i was'nt given a job to do, as usual. i offered to join my couple of friends to do their task.. but again, my presence there is just like a doll.. they just discuss together.. when i voice out my suggestion, it is being neglected..
O Allah.. please help me to able to cope with all of the discouragement of my life here..
Help me to stand straight on in undergoing Your test.. help me please Allah.. I would not want to throw away my chance to be among your righteous servants..
there's a lot more.. but its just too painful to express it out.. even now.. its hard..
A moment ago(1~2 hours) i learnt that..
a da'ie should not stand alone.. but i have to question again.. i did not chose to stand alone..but they chose to ignore me, neglect me..
hey, i did not chose to have this illness/infection.. its His decision that its the best for me.. but that doesnt mean i cant go and move foward for His deen.. if the prophet Ayyub (a.s) was test with sickness..but did he turn back from His deen? NO!!!..
ini bermaksud, biarpun apa keadaan seorang itu, sakit ke sihat, dia mampu nk sampaikan islam pada orang, perjuangkan panji islam..
adakah kerana pemilihan kumpulan tarrbiyah ini khusus utk orang yang sihat jer..
one thing i should find out.
klu dlm munthalaq kata da'wah adalah utk orang yang sudah tahu prinsip islam dan mengamalkannya, sayangkan dan bangga agamanya..etc..
tapi kenapa diri ini disingkir ke tepi..
i know im soooooooooo stupid now.. sudah hilang kebolehan nk wat any cognitive ability.. tapi does that mean hilang juga kelayakan dalam memegang tanggungjawab daie..
mmg bley lakukan DF kt sesiape.. and that is what im trying to do.. tapi dahla diri ni x reti sgt amal da'wah ni.. dan skang ni dibiarkn pula keseorang melakukannya..
im so depressed..
dah la baru bukak file2 pasal MS... and bace psal how to cope with stress n depression.. tp rase macam smua x dpt nk diapply..
i came back acting happy.. as if its nothing to be worried about.. and even in U.. i told.. im accepting that whatever happens to me happens for a reason and its the best for me.. im trying to comply to what i said.. but this is soo hard with those around me acting..
HEY!! im not yet disable.. as my soul lives, my heart beats.. i want to put fully in islam..
Bantulah hambaMu ini, Ya Allah..bantulah..padaMu shj aku berserah..
adakah ini tanda2 aku sudah tidak ikhlas dalam beramal kepadaMu Allah..
ampunkanlah hambaMu ini..