2--0--1--3

i have been wondering day by day..

from both of my parents, on of their outcome is me.. and my 2 other siblings..

but unfortunately for me, while my sis and bro both inhereted my parents looks and goodness, in terms of the attitude and intelligence

while for me, all the negative and down sides of lives, lay in me..

patience of my mum is in my sis and bro.. but the inpatients of my dad i lies in me..

the easy to be angered from my dad pass on to me..

the illness of what is called as the 'runner knee' that my mum have starting few years back, is not attacking my knees, at an early age, half of my mum's..

i know i can change my attitude... but the thing is, the feeling of easily angered is something i can't control on.. and causing me to speak without thinking the good and the bad..

hm.......

hari ini, aku hampir mengalami kemalangan ketika ke tempat kerja.. ini smua disebabkan kecuaian diri..

dengan mengantuknya membawa kereta, hampir saja aku dilanggar orang sekali dan hampir melanggar tembok jalan raya sekali..

huhu.. mungkin hari ini bukan masa untuk aku pergi.. dan diselamatkan olehNya dengan menyedarkan aku dalam kecuaian itu..

perlu aku ambil iktibar dari kejadian dinihari ini..

sometimes i am frustrated.. each day, each moment in my life..

while i am at my workplace, it seem people don't really like to hang out with me..
and honestly, i dislike my current work..

at home, the same follows.. i know he is the yougest child in the tree,and the only male but i think its a bit unfair, for giving him the opportunity to do what i am not allowed to do..

i know this behaviour is soo unmatured, and childish.. but what can i do..? its  feeling that keep on haunting me day and night...

It the dsme as being the oldies era or new era, everyone favor the male in everything !!! Including family. Jahiliah or not, they all have the same perspective..

everyday i keep on questioning myself.. why me?

out of those people out there at that time, why did it have to be me..?

and today as i read on this verse from the One who choose me to deal with it, i then realise, there u go..

"And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it"

there are sins which will keep on haunting me... and i guess, the illness i have to face for my entire lifetime is a punishment of the sins i've commited..

yet, i keep on trying to improve myself of not making more sins, yet the pain will be the one to keep on haunting me..

give me strength my Lord..

lately, my legs are not doing well..

and it kind of making me sad..

i thought as i grow up older, i'll be the one who'll assist my mum in walking and moving due to her old age.. yet, i'm the one who is dependent on walking and moving while im still young, in mid 20's..

thought i can still walk despite being slow and all, how will i do as i grow older..

now i wonder, does this happen to me becoz of any specific reasons ..?

when i was still in school backthen, i can roam and run around freely around,,

i can cycle with joy..

yet, i could not do so now..

i wonder... and i'll keep on wonder.. hmmm

the fasting month has almost come to the end..

come to think about it.. i wonder why and why..

in this bless month, one ought to gave beneficial things in it..

yet, the more i choose to get closer to Him, more people, friends are running further away from me..

it must be my fault. my one wrong doing..

but what was it..?

i need to reflect and reflect this back why does it occur...

till then.. O Lord, please bless me with Your Love and Your creatures love..

setiap tahun, masuk bulan ramadhan.. aku pasti akan alami perkara yang sama..

apabila masuk kepada waktu2 berbuka.. aku pasti akan sakit kepala..

dan ia memang sangat sakit.. hendak kata disebabkan aku berpuasa pada pagi hari, kalau ikutkan, aku pernah juga puasa2 pada hari di luar bulan ramadhan..

ntahlah.. aku boleh sahaja kalau sakit kepada tika berbuka.. yang aku sedih, sakitnya bertambah ketika hendak solat.. lebih2 lagi hendak solat tarawikh..

pada tahun2 sebelumnya, aku boleh juga ke masjid untuk tunaikan solat tarawikh di sana.. tapi sejak tahun lepas, aku tak berani nk ke masjid, disebabkan sakit kepala aku ni..

nak kata ini helah shaitan, bulan ramadhan, shaitan dah ikat, dibelenggu.. supaya tak dapat nak menganggu umat islam ketika puasa..

kalau difikir2kan balik, aku pernah mengalami sakit kepala ketika sujud di sekolah dahulu, semasa di tingkatan 2,3.. kira 13,14 tahun dahulu.. tapi itu aku hanya abaikan..

tapi kini, aku tahu, penyakit aku itulah yang mungkin penyebabnya..

walahuálam.. aku kini, hanya mampu solat dirumah sahaja masa bulan ramdhan ini.

hanya harap, Allah menerima akan amalku seadanya..