i dunt know whats wrong wif me..
to say its becoz of the influence of the syaitans'.. but they r not even here now in this holly month of ramadhan
it looks like all those things i did comes from deep within myself..

O Allah, i beg for Your forgiveness in every steps i take, every act i play..
one keep asking from U to take one back to You, but now only one realise the reason Ur decreed does not allow it for happen back then..
one deeds are too weak.. one sins weigh down the balance from within

Ur servant here are too ashamed to meet U, though in this heart, it longs to do so..
and here, in this temporary world, one could not even meet a person, especially those who one knew well, without the feeling of one shame, and one know one is not needed here at all..
the daieilallah work will continue despite one being here or not..
each minutes, one is afraid that one has not even done anythinge for dis deen..
please help one here to keep straight on this path, please O Lord.. Please help Ur servant here Allah.. please do.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

okay, today i'll now officially admit, im psycho..

when there's no ins' around.. i'll talk to myself, loud.. like im havin a converstion with a real person..
there's as if 2 or 3 person here.. hoho
ysn! u're seriously goin crazy..

Ya Allah..
Ku pohon redhaMu dalam aku menuntut ilmu..
Bantulah aku dalamnya, kerana sia-sia masa yang akan ku guna dalamnya, andai tidak Engkau redhakan nya..

i come back to melb from my 2 week 'holiday' in msia with one aim, one goal.. to go all out in this path.. His path.. da'wah ..

but.. im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
i have no idea how to express it.. mainly im sad..

i know im diagnosed with a disease.. but why am i being neglected in doing all the work..
if i knew this would happen.. i would not have bother bout telling it even to a soul here..
it seems as if im being a nuisance to them..doing this work..

i know it may be cause by my own perceptions towards them.. i know i should never think badly of someone..

but the thing is.. in every situation im in.. the return result will be the same..

im not been given even a simple task to perform here.. yes, i know, it should be your own will to do.. need a high zatiyyah like the bird (hud-hud).. i've been trying to reassure my heart with it for bout 5 days now.. but as day passes by.. it seems even more obvious.. im not being needed here.

im being thrown completely out of the task.. why dont they just tell me to get of.. stop being a nuisance to them..

even today.. when someone ask for volunteers to do work.. though i offered my self.. that person still choose to ignore me.. am i now invisible to those here.......

and for the today event, i was'nt given a job to do, as usual. i offered to join my couple of friends to do their task.. but again, my presence there is just like a doll.. they just discuss together.. when i voice out my suggestion, it is being neglected..

O Allah.. please help me to able to cope with all of the discouragement of my life here..
Help me to stand straight on in undergoing Your test.. help me please Allah.. I would not want to throw away my chance to be among your righteous servants..

there's a lot more.. but its just too painful to express it out.. even now.. its hard..

A moment ago(1~2 hours) i learnt that..
a da'ie should not stand alone.. but i have to question again.. i did not chose to stand alone..but they chose to ignore me, neglect me..

hey, i did not chose to have this illness/infection.. its His decision that its the best for me.. but that doesnt mean i cant go and move foward for His deen.. if the prophet Ayyub (a.s) was test with sickness..but did he turn back from His deen? NO!!!..

ini bermaksud, biarpun apa keadaan seorang itu, sakit ke sihat, dia mampu nk sampaikan islam pada orang, perjuangkan panji islam..

adakah kerana pemilihan kumpulan tarrbiyah ini khusus utk orang yang sihat jer..
one thing i should find out.
klu dlm munthalaq kata da'wah adalah utk orang yang sudah tahu prinsip islam dan mengamalkannya, sayangkan dan bangga agamanya..etc..
tapi kenapa diri ini disingkir ke tepi..
i know im soooooooooo stupid now.. sudah hilang kebolehan nk wat any cognitive ability.. tapi does that mean hilang juga kelayakan dalam memegang tanggungjawab daie..

mmg bley lakukan DF kt sesiape.. and that is what im trying to do.. tapi dahla diri ni x reti sgt amal da'wah ni.. dan skang ni dibiarkn pula keseorang melakukannya..

im so depressed..

dah la baru bukak file2 pasal MS... and bace psal how to cope with stress n depression.. tp rase macam smua x dpt nk diapply..

i came back acting happy.. as if its nothing to be worried about.. and even in U.. i told.. im accepting that whatever happens to me happens for a reason and its the best for me.. im trying to comply to what i said.. but this is soo hard with those around me acting..
HEY!! im not yet disable.. as my soul lives, my heart beats.. i want to put fully in islam..

Bantulah hambaMu ini, Ya Allah..bantulah..padaMu shj aku berserah..
_____________________________________
adakah ini tanda2 aku sudah tidak ikhlas dalam beramal kepadaMu Allah..
ampunkanlah hambaMu ini..

i was diagnosed to have multiple sclerosis..
i thought.. ok.. nw. it can be treated... but why are my parents keeping sumthing from me..
and today, due to a friend of mine who was really determine in helping me.. search what was MS actually is..
and.. the only thing that i can portray is..
Lahawlawallakutilaillabih.. Allah has decreed it to be.. so be it..
Ya Allah.. bantulah diriku untuk redha pada ketentuanMu..
Bantulah diriku untuk kekal thabat di jalan da'wah ini.. amal untukMu.. padaMu..
Janganlah ujian yang Engkau turunkan padaku memalingkan pendirian aku untuk menuju mencapai redhaMu..
Hanya padaMu saja kupohon Ya Allah..

hammy
l0ng time since i've written here
but now i really need to express out my heart confession
...
if to end our own life is not a sin.. i think,, i would have killed myself..
if there is not judgment in the world after.. i would have jumped from the top of the building

..
Allah.. im in need of your love.. i often wonder.. do i have Your love.. becoz.. this morning i heard a hadith in the morning tazkirah..
if Allah love someone, He'll tell the angels to love that person too.. and the angels will ask all on the earth to love that person..
And to look back.. i dont even think im loveable by the creatures on the earth..
the animals run away from me..
humans...... so hard to say bout them.. i dont want any gifts if others may have obtain a whole lot of it..
i only want, in need of support.. but then...............................
Allah.. please accept me as Your humble servant.. Do forgive me for the sins i've made.. for the uncertainty u developed in me..
i do in need of You
Only You i have..

thank u Allah..
Alhamdulillah..alhamdulilllah..
All Praise is for You Allah..
Forgive me for doubting U..
please forgive me..