being back home for a year and a half, is quite frustrating..
everything my parents talk about is my brother and sister..
and believe me, the way they talk about them as if, my siblings are the
children that they only proud of..

i feel really depressed..

they are saying of encouraging them to continue to stay abroad, and work abroad..

but, why did'nt they encourage me to do so, while i was studying there..

they ask my sis to stay there, work there, and continue her specialization there in her profession..

but why didn't they do the same for me back then..?

my mum keep on visiting either my sis or bro each year, but did she ever try to visit me back then alone, without my dad to come along..?

i feel like discriminated by my own parents..

if i do something not of the ordinary, they will easily get mad with me..

but, when my bro or sis do so, they never question it..

i now do agree why 2nd child of the family is always lack of love..

and i think, i'm an unwanted child.. perhaps, if they have gotten a 2nd child as boy, they will certainly never try to get other child later..

i also know, why my mum now is willing to ask me to go our with her.. as my siblings are not here to accompany her..

when at 1 time, there were my mum, sis and me in a car to go somewhere, do you know, both of them keep talking together as if i don't even exist in the car..

i am an unwanted daughter who are costing them more to support me because of my tOO expensive medicine..

hey, do know.. i did not ask for this disease.. and in a way, their action each day are saying to me, that i'm burdening them..

yeah, i have taken a another course in applied science.. and believe it or not, i made that decision, because my mum keep talking about my sis who says she was interested in taking it..

now knowing, my sis is never gonna take it, as she will be continuing her work abroad and specialize there, im now regretting for taking it..

see.. how my parents treat their children differently.. and how i hate myself for it..
for having to pretend that im okay with it..

p/s: another reason for them to dislike me, perhaps because im trying to choose the real way of my religion.. i know.. it shouldn't have matter to me whether they love me or not.. as long as i have the One true Love.. from my God..

now its left to the last 7 days of ramadhan..

i need to enhance my deed in this month b4 its end..


chaiyook!

o my Lord..

give me strength to face this blessing month..

guide each of my steps to you, be it in my worship or in my work..

let the challenges you bestow me to face, be the healer to the wounds of my sins..

for the sake of Thy's name, this humble servant of Thy proceed..

Today it come to my realization, when a good friend told me that, when we choose to join this path, its a blessing from Allah to purify oneself...

Perhaps the person that lost was planned by Him to part them from us, because if we stay close to them, it might bring us back to disobey Him wtih more sins..

friends are like mirror.. when the friend is good, it shows that we are good..

this path has lead me to loose friends..

when i'm not a person who can socialize easily with people,
being on this path, had lead me to be a lonesome person..

and i thought, this walk should tighten the rope that had tied our hands.. yet, now i realize.. i was never a chosen one..

perhaps, they have even regretted it for inviting me to join them, back then..

but they do not loose anything.. as they are still favorable among them.. and yet, it had leave me alone.. behind..

well.. i think this has cause me to be in depression in a way or another..

i hope, it wont make me loose my mind because of it..

lately the feeling seem to bother me..

should i stay on.. or should i let it go and put off..?

questions that keep on pounding on me, asking me to be quick to make the decision..

sometimes, i do wonder.. am i born to vow to this so called job..?

when, all i could think is that it has caused me to loose many of my friends.. and even weigh heavily on my studies back then..

it has also caused me to loose the trust from my parents..

so, do u call it good, when it brings the fact of loosing your life in this world..?

although the so called job brought me to a new bound of colleagues..
yet now, they seem to keeping a distance from me..further and further away in fact..as they are trying to ignore me as often as they could.. tho i've tried numerous times to get in touch with them.. but to no avail..

this have lead me to a lonesome life.. when i could have many others out there, if i did not change my path back then..

the only thing that kept me from straying away is when i heard once, where the prophet saw said..something that explain..
"those who make other people in anger to please Him, thus He will always be by one side.. and those who do things to make other people please, but cause anger to Him, thus, he will be left alone.."

but, then again.. i dont have other people around me.. except my family, which i think, if they could get rid of me, they would have done it long time ago..

hm.. my Lord, guide me in my doubtfulness here as there's no one who would do so...

hari ini kepala aku rasa seperti mahu pecah..

mungkin sebab aku terlalu lama sgt menghadcap computer..

kt ofis hadap screen comp..

kr rumah pn tgk jer... hoho..

tgh hari org len kuar lunch.. aku tidur sebentar 5 mins.. kt meja..

bila kawan ofis kejut, terkejut benar aku..

tapi kuranglah skit sakit kepala..

tp not completely.. this have to make me wonder..

apakah sudah tiba masanya aku pergi.......?