Its been a third of a decade..

Some may see it as the beginning, while others may see it as the peak.. ..

To me, whatever range of age it falls in, it's definitely  bored me to walk thru of this world.. 

Not of the view of the magnificent natural sceneries, but of having to face and endure routine  'scheduled' daily life ..

  

Its not that i'm well prepared to face the afterlife..

But the felling having to go thru the same routine daily, weekly...

 somehow brought me to see 'eye to eye'  of the unexpected suicidal personnels reason..

One might say, go & get married..

It will change your  daily routine..

Somehow, I'm don't think I'm able to 'face' a married life..

To get married, one has to love the person it intend to hook up with..

Yet, the reason of refusing to love someone is seeing the far-off ahead if that someone dies..

Rather than being badly hurt internally due to losing loved ones, i've decided its better not to start loving anyone..  

It's definitely tough for me since I love my parents, my mum intensively , and loving all that treat me as a friend ..

This bring me back to reason overcoming the boredom of life..

Thus, what should I do.. Hmm..

Thinking hard & finding motivation to continue on living..

As always, every saturday of the week, will be a routine for me to wash up all my so called delicate clothes  followed with groceries shopping ...

Although today wasn't suppose to be a tiring day, yet i felt entirely exhausted while walking & driving..

Now i understood why im given the disabled 'status' with the card and appreciate it..

This disability to move around normally might be permanent in the near future, tho I really  hope it doesn't / will not occur..

Not long ago, perhaps 7-8years back, i told myself, if i was infected by some sort of disease that cause me real 'headache or paint at my head', i'll accept it with an open heart...

I wonder, was this actually lead me to be gifted with this MS gift..?

Hmm.. perhaps ... who knows..cant question His arrangment for my life plan..

Since eid has begun, and i've kept posting pix on fb with all sorts of status..

Thus, i have to confess.. everything that were written doesn't actually portray my true feelings.. at that moment.. at that event..

Actually, everything since i've joned all this on9 sites, nothing written were what i truly felt..

Its all a disguised to hide whats inside this heart..

Which is torn by everyone around me, especially from my own true blood; my family..

I know2.. everyone will say im just 'pitying' myself..
When many others out there are more unfortunate..

I'm truly grateful and felt blessed with all His Gifts, even with this MS desease, im grateful for having it..

But, having to face my family 'situations' each day, it felt like a burden..

i need to keep reminding myself, everything im facing is a TEST He placed for me to endure..

I have to be GRATEFUL always while i still have each of them..

😔😓

Aku hanya seorang insan biasa ..

Tidak aku minta apapum dari sesiapa, namun aku tetap dipandang hina ..

Bukannya aku mohon duit mahupun harta ..

Diriku tetap seolah jelek untuk dilihat mereka ..

Apakah yang harus ku lakukan menghadapi hidup sebegini..

Setiap hari, seakan tidak lagi beerti buat diri..

Biarpun diriku berusaha menyenangkan harian mereka..

Namun, diriku tetap dicemuh tanpa jenuh..

Pernah aku diberitahu, keluarga adalah tulang belakang dalam menghadapi setiap perkara..

Akan tetapi, keluargalah punca calaran pada hatiku sehingga terluka sedalam-dalamnya..

****************
My friends all dislike me..
Though they dont say it to my face, their actions all portrayed it..
My family also dislike me if not hates me..
Always thought negative of me, when what i did was the opposite..
I know im an unwanted daughter.. since they have already one as the 1st born..
They desire a son to complete both gender, once they got 1 as the third, im totally being ignored and scolded without reasons
And since i was affected by this horrible disease, im being further thrown far from being bond as a family.

I have to wondet, why didnt they just threw me when i was born..

Or even given me to someone else..
I know i'll curse them then, but at least im free to curse & hate them.. im sooOOOOOOO DEPRESS!!!!!!

Dear macaemia, berry, choco, marthy, kontot & bengkok,

I hope u guys are enjoying the after life..

Do forgive for all my wrong doings, my neglectance..

I wouldn't want to be questioned later of my responsibilties..
of adopting you guys as my beloved pets..

But do know, i really miss & love u guys..

For each of u are the only friends i had..

we are nowin the month of sha'ban, notfar from the mid of it..

O Allah, let me meet the month of ramadhan.. i miss to be in it, where each deed is rewarded more and more..

Just recently my friend's dad pass away.. may Allah bless his soul..

It makes me wonder, will i able to meet the coming ramadhan.. huh, o Allah, do let me meet 'him'.. for i am lack of deeds to be weighed later for a bestful justice..